In The Middle
by OCryMeARiverO
Summary: My take on what would have happened if Sam hadn't shown up and Max had left Seattle in She Aint Heavy. MA... eventually.
1. Trouble

Disclaimer: I don't own anything… and thank you immensely for that depressing reminder.

Oh no, I see,

A spider web is tangled up with me,

And I lost my head,

The thought of all the stupid things I said,

Oh no what's this?

A spider web, and I'm caught in the middle,

So I turned to run,

The thought of all the stupid things I've done,

I never meant to cause you trouble,

And I never meant to do you wrong,

And I, well if I ever caused you trouble,

Oh no, I never meant to do you harm.

Oh no I see,

A spider web and it's me in the middle,

So I twist and turn,

Here I am in my little bubble,

Singing, I never meant to cause you trouble,

I never meant to do you wrong,

And I, well if I ever caused you trouble,

Oh no, I never meant to do you harm.

They spun a web for me,

They spun a web for me,

They spun a web for me.

_Trouble, Coldplay_

She left. He couldn't believe it. It had been eight months and not a call, SMS, email or even a letter in the mail. Not that the postal system was reliable in a post-apocalyptic world but that wasn't the point. Eight fucking months and absolutely nothing. He didn't know if she were dead or alive, if she had been captured by White, if she was even in the same damn country and that wasn't even the worst part, because the worst part of it was that he cared at all and he could thank her for that.

That bitch! That self righteous, hypocritical little bitch!

He remembered her spiel from the day they saved those X6's out in the run down barn… 'Never abandon your unit' she had said in her usual high-and-mighty, 'god Alec you're such a screw up, I know everything so do what I say' tone. Oh, but that's right, he almost forgot, HE wasn't part of HER unit. His chest constricted a little at that thought, thinking back to the time when she had coerced him into helping her find her 'brother'. She had made sure to let him know where he stood then.

But he thought things had changed… he had changed and in some ways, her attitude toward him had a little too. After she told him about Ben they had spent the whole night talking. She had asked him about Rachael and for the first time in his life he actually let himself open up to someone a little. He told her things he couldn't have told anyone else, not ever, and she had been there, saying all the right things and looking at him in a way he had only ever seen her direct at one other person.

He fell in love with her in that moment, right then and there on that ratty couch at half past dead in the morning sipping on that goat's piss that passed itself off as coffee in the hopes that it would help him stay up with her all night so that he didn't miss a second with her. He cursed her shark DNA all night and thanked the scientists at Manticore at the same time for putting it in her cocktail as it gave him that extra time to be with her before they had to go back to the reality of their lives. He had lain awake for many nights after hoping for more nights just like that one. He wanted her to look at him like she had that night again and he tried so hard to be who she wanted but nothing was ever good enough for her. He would never be good enough. He realised that now.

For the first few days he expected to see her waltz into Jam Pony after a little road trip. OC had been insistent that her Boo just needed some solo time to figure things out but after a couple weeks he could see the uncertainty start to show in her eyes whenever someone asked her about Max even while her voice held the same conviction as before. After a couple of months she began to voice her uncertainty and now… now she simply said nothing at all. It unnerved him to no end that she was giving up on Max while he had been hanging on to the last tendril of hope left that Max would come waltzing back into their lives with a flip of her hair and a smart remark about how stupid everyone was for worrying about her.

He let out an audible sigh as his eyes wandered to the city lights below and then beyond to the horizon. He had been restless all night long and after trying to amuse himself first at Crash and then in the company of one of Jam Pony's new lady recruits, a blonde named Kristen (or was it Kirsten?), he found himself gravitating toward the Space Needle unconsciously after deciding to take a ride on his Duke motorcycle. Now, standing up here in _her_ place, he realised with a heavy heart that she was most likely gone for good. It had just been too long.

He had confronted Logan a few days after she left about her whereabouts but the older man had just looked at him with first a curious if not slightly confused stare but after a short round of questioning his gaze had become more scrutinizing. Feeling like he was back in Psy Ops under the inspection of one of Manticore's freak doctors, Alec responded in the only way Alec knew how.

"_Geez Logan, I know I'm easy on the eyes but you should know by now that I don't swing that way. Not to say I'm not flattered, cos I am, but you're really not my type."_

"_Well, excuse me, but I would've thought you of all people would know where she had gone." Alec just gave him a confused look. Both men remained silent and Logan's gaze never wavered until it seemed as though a light bulb had literally been switched on inside his head. "She lied." He breathed out in wonderment._

"_Huh?" Was Alec's eloquent response._

"_When she told me that you and her were together, she lied."_

"_She told you WHAT?" Alec's voice snapped and Logan winced. Breathing slowly to compose himself, Alec tried to remind himself that Max wouldn't do anything unless she had a really good reason, and she really needed a good reason for this, and even as his mind tried to come up with a reason good enough to drag him, yet again, into the middle of their whacked out not-really-like-that relationship he realised that it didn't matter cos she wasn't here. She had done the typical Max thing, she had gotten herself into a mess she didn't know how to get herself out of so she had run. It was that plain and simple._

_And it wasn't that surprising now that he thought about it. It must be imbedded in her DNA along with sadism and a bad attitude._

"_She wanted to push me away cos she was afraid of hurting me again so she did the only thing she knew would get me to back off, she told me she was with another guy. It all makes sense now." Logan said more to himself than Alec._

"_Well, I'm glad it makes sense to one of us." Alec replied with a wry grin._

"_I mean, come on! You and her? I can't believe I fell for it!" Logan laughed._

"_Hey!" Alec protested, slightly miffed. "I'm standing right here, and what the hell makes you think her and I could never happen? I'll have you know, I'm quite the catch. And at least she wouldn't have to worry about me keelin' over if she accidentally brushed into me."_

"_Oh please, Max would kick your ass from here to next week before she 'accidentally' brushed into anything attached to any part of you." Logan replied less friendly and a little more defensive than a few moments before… and sounding a little too Max-like for his liking. Maybe some time spent apart for them would be a good thing after all._

"_Then why were you so quick to believe it was true?" Alec didn't know why he was pushing this. He should be relieved that the other man knew the truth, that he was no longer in the middle of this twisted triangle but something in the way Logan had shrugged off Alec as being nothing but merely a convenient excuse had irked him to no end. Call it male pride or an inbred streak of Manticorian competitiveness, Alec wanted Logan to sweat a little. The truth of the matter was, even with the way Alec felt about Max, he had never really taken a shot at her, content in being nothing more than her friend… for now anyway._

_He had been called a lot of things in his life, many unpleasant and mostly by Max, but a home wrecker wasn't one of them. He just couldn't steal another guys girl and Max was definitely another guys' girl… for now anyway. He truly did believe that her and Logan would never work out for many reasons, DNA issues aside. It was a shame they couldn't see things for what they were. It would certainly save them both all the melodrama and angst._

"_I didn't." Logan protested a little too quickly. "I mean, I did… it's just… I saw you leaving her apartment that morning and I got… I guess I… … I was jealous, ok?! She wouldn't speak to me for days and then I saw the two of you together, laughing and hugging." He bit off the last part with a contemptuous look in Alec's direction. After a moment though, it softened before being directed inwards and transforming into self guilt._

_Which is when Alec felt like a real asshole. Again._

"_Look man, nothing happened. Truth is, she's more like my sister than anything else." Alec lied easily, attempting to smooth things over with the other man. Differences aside, he did like Logan and the last thing he wanted was awkwardness or animosity between the two of them._

_Logan scrutinized him again before nodding his head slightly, recognizing the lie for what it was but not ready to delve into the topic any deeper than they already had. "If I find out anything, if she calls or anything, I'll let you know." He said and turned back to his keyboard, dismissing the handsome young transgenic._

_Alec simply nodded his head and left._

Logan had kept to his word, keeping him updated on any leads he thought may be useful but the trails always went cold before they had a chance to act on them. Max had spent ten years of her life staying under Manticore's radar, hiding and escaping their clutches many times over and unless she wanted to be found, Alec knew she would continue to elude them.

His earlier anger faded, as it always did after a decent amount of time spent deep in contemplation. Alec understood now the appeal of her 'High Place', how it helped to just stand there on top of the world and reflect. Of course, the other reason was that up here, he always felt that little bit closer to her… wherever that was.


	2. Exodus

Disclaimer: All right already! I don't own a goddam thing! Sheesh!

AN: Thanks for all the reviews, they've been overwhelming… and also a great motivator! Hint hint! I have no idea where i'm going with this so bare with me! LOL!

Dazedizzy: Yeah, I thought about what Cindy's reaction would have been afterwards and I guess cos she's always so optimistic when it comes to Max's dramas that she'd have faith in her sorting her shit out and coming back home asap… Just a thought like I said… Thanks for the comments though, they help a lot! J

My black backpack's stuffed with broken dreams

20 bucks should get me through the week

Never said a word of discontentment

Fought it a thousand times but now

I'm leaving home

Here in the shadows

I'm safe

I'm free

I've nowhere else to go but

I cannot stay where I don't belong

Two months pass by and it's getting cold

I know I'm not lost

I am just alone

But I won't cry

I won't give up

I can't go back now

Waking up is knowing who you really are

In the shadows

I'm safe, I'm free

I've nowhere else to go

But I cannot stay here

Show me the shadow where true meaning lies

So much more dismay in empty eyes

_Exodus, Evanescence_

It felt like a lifetime ago, her former life almost a surreal dream in her memory although she never forgot a single detail. The blessing and curse of a genetically engineered photographic memory. Sometimes when she closed her eyes she was back at Jam Pony or at Crash, hanging with Sketch and OC and Alec and just being, playing chess with Logan before things got screwed up and complicated between them, a time when they were friends and they could laugh and take comfort in the fact that they never felt alone when they were together. She missed those feelings more than anything and it had been a long time since she felt that way. Before she left she had felt a hollowness beginning to grow inside her. Something dark, oppressing and terribly lonely accompanying it. It scared the hell out of her. Feeling out of control of herself, she did the only thing she knew she could do to get a handle on things… she ran.

A bitter laugh escaped her at that thought. It must be programmed in her DNA. She knew it was one of her least admirable character traits but she couldn't help it. Things got too tough so she bolted. With the virus separating her and Logan, White after her ass, Joshua not needing her anymore and the deep seeded fear she lived with everyday that her friends would one day get caught in the crossfire when someone came gunning for her, which she was sure they would, Max felt as though she were drowning.

Now here she was, free as could be (or so she told herself), moving from place to place, never staying too long, never forming any attachments and never leaving a trace of where she had been or where she was going behind. The last thing that she needed was for Logan or, God forbid, Alec to track her down, shake her resolve and drag her back to Seattle and back down to where she started. She needed to do this. It was the best thing for everybody including herself. With her away, everyone was safe. She was poison… Renfro had spoken those words to her and even back then, she had almost believed them. Now it was the mantra she repeated to herself to keep her going every time she felt like packing it up and going back home.

No, not home anymore. She had no home. She had the open road, the wind against her face and the whole world to discover. It was incredibly liberating… and incredibly lonely.

She turned from the depressing line that her thoughts were determined to take her on and tried to focus instead on her next course of action. She had been in New York for six weeks now. Too long for her liking but New York was a city you could easily get lost in and go unnoticed. She had overstayed her welcome though and now it was time to move on. Staring at the map in front of her Max used complex calculations, measurements and the exceptional navigational skills imbedded in her DNA to determine where to go next… in other words, she closed her eyes and randomly pointed at a spot on the map. Opening her eyes, she sighed as she saw where her finger landed. "Seattle." She said out loud. Her finger seemed to have a mind of its own because that was the thirteenth time in a row that it landed on that particular spot on the map. She even tried turning the page this way and that, upside down, right and left, and yet her finger always managed to land in exactly the same spot.

"Not happening." She sighed to herself, knowing that her mind had memorised the map and was subconsciously seeking Seattle out as, deep down, it was the one place she wanted to go the most. "Yeah, well, shake it off soldier. You can't go back there now. Zack was right, it was all just a sentimental lie." She cringed slightly. Wasn't talking to yourself one of the first signs of insanity? Sometimes she got so lonely she thought she was going to go crazy just like Ben did.

Ben… poor Ben… dead because of her, at her own hands. She couldn't save him and if it weren't for her and her unit's need to protect her, things would never have progressed as they did with him. He would still have rules and structure and a purpose in his life, as strange as that purpose may have been in Manticore. But Eva would still be alive, as would Tinga, and Zack would still be Zack, not the shell of a once amazing man as he was now. And what had she done? She'd sent him away because she couldn't deal. Didn't have the strength to try to fix things, to try to get him back. She had done the one thing he never did… she gave up. She gave up on him and every time she thought about it she wanted to punish herself for it, kill herself even. Self deprecation was another characteristic she was less than proud of. That was one of the consequences of spending so much time alone. It gave her the time to reflect, to look inwards and finally be honest with herself. It wasn't an easy thing and at first she had fought it tooth and nails, but in the end with no one else to talk to and nothing to distract her, she had done the one thing she couldn't do until now, she had got to know who she really was.

And she hadn't liked what she found.

How could someone hurt so many people that they loved and have been so selfish? When she thought of the things she had put Logan through during their last time together she felt two inches tall. And when she thought about how she had selfishly held him back and led him to believe that everything would work out between them she felt like a bitch. She should have let him go back when he was ready to let her go instead of dragging him through the drama and heartache.

She felt tears stinging her eyes and held them back. She didn't have the right to cry. Hopefully now, he had moved on without her. Maybe he was with Asha or another normal girl and was finally happy. Alec was right, Transgenics and Ordinaries didn't belong together.

Alec… god, where to begin there?

She felt sick thinking about how she had treated him. She had expected so much from him. She had forgotten what life was like before Logan, way back when she had first escaped Manticore. The world was such a different place to the constraints that lay inside of Manticore's walls. She remembered the world in those days. It was as though everything had been a pale shade of grey, but when she escaped and saw what existed beyond those walls it was as if the world had suddenly become technicolour. Everything looked different, exciting and terrifying all at once, and at first she didn't know how to deal. It wasn't in the curriculum back at Manticore. So she did what she had to do to survive. It was the only thing she knew how to do. She ran, hid, stole and protected herself the best way she knew how, the way she had been taught. She did many things she wasn't proud of in retrospect, but she had no other choice back then. And she had punished Alec for doing the exact same things.

When he first got out, yes, he made many mistakes. But he was learning. In a way he had become wiser, more in-tune with the ways of the world than she herself was even with her ten year head start. He still cracked jokes and acted like a jerk, not to say that that was necessarily a bad thing because nine times out of ten she enjoyed bantering with him or hearing him yap inanely about things she's sure even he doesn't remember… but something had shifted in him. It was like he woke up one morning and just got it and it happened about the same time she told him about Ben.

He had asked her, wanted to know about his genetic twin and so she told him. She told him everything. All the things that had been weighing down on her, and often still did, she bared to him that night and it was hard and easy all at the same time. Hard because they were memories she hated to revisit and easy because he made it that way. There was no judgement, no accusations or recriminations directed toward her, just simple understanding. She remembered how he had comforted her as she cried, how he had put his arms around her and rested his cheek against her head like the cat he partly is. In a way being accepted by Alec that night was like being forgiven for her transgression by her brother. It felt cleansing and gave her some relief knowing there was somebody she could open up to. It would never have been that uncomplicated telling Logan which is why she hadn't, and could never, tell him what happened in the woods that fateful day.

Afterwards they had sat together in silence, soaking in each other's nearness as comfort. And when she finally broke the silence she asked him about Rachael and he told her as simply as she had told him about Ben.

He had loved deeply and been burned badly. Rachael had taught him about tenderness, innocence, affection and love - everything that was the antithesis of Manticore and as a result, Manticore had made her - and Alec - pay the price. She hated Manticore even more than before for that, for letting him become exposed to that kind of warmth and then ripping it away from him so brutally. It was truly evil and she thanked whatever deity that may exist for giving her the opportunity to take those bastards out.

She stared back down at the map, her eyes drawn instantly to where they shouldn't go. She knew it was risky even though White had broadened his hunt to cities outside of Seattle since her departure, had even come close to finding her on a couple of occasions, but the need to go back was becoming overwhelming. The longer she thought about it, the more sure she was and the more determined she became. Not knowing what triggered it, whether it was intuition or a sixth sense, she made up her mind resolutely.

She was going home.

She planned it rationally as she hastily packed her things - in and out, stick to the shadows, make sure everything was okay and then when she was sure the coast was clear she would high tail it out of there and finally have peace of mind. She thought about every contingency she could think of as she threw her backpack over her shoulder and exited the motel. Straddling her bike and gunning the engine she smile confidently. It would be a piece of cake.

And no one would even know she was ever there.


	3. Breaking Up The Girl

Disclaimer: The only thing I own is a little pride and a little dignity, usually between the hours of 5:30pm and 8:30am… the rest of the time my boss owns my ass.

P.S (Also known as Author's Note!): I'm totally tanked right now so excuse this if it makes absolutely no sense!

In a modern culture

My friend you must be careful

They've a million ways to kill you

In this dangerous world

There's an art to growing old

Taking chances

Magic happens

One mistake's all it takes

And your life has come undone

Walk away cause you're breaking up the girl

It's a drag

I know it's hard

But you're tearing her apart

Walk away cause you're breaking up the girl

I am afraid that there's much to be afraid of

Here today and gone tomorrow

Don't end up in the gutter

Just like the one before

You're just the same

Such a loser

One mistake's all it takes

And your life has come undone

Walk away cause you're breaking up the girl

It's a drag

I know it's hard

But you're tearing her apart

Walk away cause you're breaking up the girl

You've go to let her go because you're breaking up

You're breaking up the girl

_Breaking Up The Girl, Garbage_

It surprised him how little and how much had changed over the last eight months. He still got up at the same time every morning, got himself ready for the day and was at his computer before most people were at work. The world was just as broken as it always was, if not more so, and there was plenty to do if you were an underground cyber journalist on a mission to fight the power, protect the downtrodden, blah, blah, woof, woof…

He smiled slightly at the memory of when he first heard those words. She had stood in his living room strong and sure of herself, beautiful if not slightly mischievous. Okay, maybe not slightly, more like a lot! They had been playing chess and she had kicked his ass… again. She had asked him to go with her to Crash and party but he had declined. She had made fun of his lack of ability to have fun and left with an ironic smile and a sway of her hips. She had been so young, carefree and… happy. Even with her background and the people after her she had always tried to make the most of what she could. Enjoying life, not denying herself the simple pleasures freedom offered her. It was so in contrast with himself that at first she had dismayed him immensely. How could somebody be so selfish as to only worry about having fun and shrug off all the bad things that happen in life when so many people were caught in the middle of it? Especially someone with the ability to change the way things were because they were designed that way. Back then he didn't get it… but he did now.

The first time he was without her for so long was after the night she had literally died in his arms. Afterwards, he couldn't move for days, didn't have the desire to. A part of him had died with her that night in the woods outside Manticore and he didn't know if he would ever be the same again. After awhile he tried to immerse himself in Eyes Only but couldn't bring himself to worry about other people when his Max had been taken away so callously. It created a force in him stronger than any other case he had ever worked on and the only thing he could think of, live for, day and night (he even dreamed about it) was taking down the sons of bitches who were the reason why he found it hard to breathe some days. It was an obsession that also had the misfortune of dragging some innocent people into the mix. The S1W, Asha mainly, became the scapegoats, the villains in the picture because he had asked for their help. And still, after everything that happened between them or because of him, Asha had stood by him or just quietly remained in the background, always there for him and never pushing even though he knew what it was she really wanted from him. He just couldn't give it to her though. Not then at least.

And then _she_ came back from the dead and he had never felt as relieved and happy as he did that moment his eyes first fell on her as she stood in his living room. At first he thought he was seeing a ghost but that thought vanished as quickly as it had come. She looked so different wearing standard military fatigues, her hair long and unkept, her face tired and so much older than a mere three months before and an infinite sadness in her eyes that spoke so much more than words ever could about what she had been through during her time in Hell. It was nothing like the Max he had last known and that was before they even knew about the virus.

When he had collapsed in her arms he didn't know what was happening. The virus worked its way into his system so quickly he didn't have time to comprehend that he was sick at all. He thought he would die right then with her crying over him the way he had cried over her. It was ironic and it almost made him smile… almost.

Then _he_ had come waltzing into his apartment like he owned it claiming that he was there to capture himself and Max and take them back to Manticore. He had failed though and Logan wondered to this day why Alec had made it so easy for her to get away. He had 10 more years of training than her and now that Logan knew about how close Manticore was to putting him down for the Berrisford fiasco, he couldn't fathom why he had let her take him.

He realised now that Alec couldn't bring himself to hurt Max at all even on the two occasions his life probably depended on it. It was because Alec was in love with her as far back as then even if he didn't realise it himself.

Max had that affect on men so he couldn't blame him though. Her own 'brother' Zack couldn't stay immune to her either. It was a simple fact so when Max told him she had been sleeping with Alec the only thought that he could comprehend was that it wasn't as surprising as he would have felt more comfortable with. Even Asha herself barely blinked when he told her, instead commenting on how Alec and Max were just learning how to handle relationships. How new the whole deal was to the both of them and how beautiful their children would be.

It was almost enough to make him sick.

As time went by though he realised that even though he still had faith in everything working out right between himself and Max that he was only really thinking of himself. Images of the way she had been before Manticore recaptured her surface in his mind regularly, continuously followed by the look of utter sadness and resignedness she wore most of the time now. Something had broken inside her and it made him feel like a real… dick. She had changed her entire consciousness and existence because of him and what had he really given her in return? Quid-pro-quo? How many times had she helped him with Eyes Only and how many times had he reciprocated? He thought that her wanting to live her life was selfish but he had been the selfish one all along.

Of course he cared about her deeply, loved her very much as a matter of fact. But she had put her life on hold for him, rearranging it to fit him and the cause he had instilled in her. Maybe she had it right all along and he was wasting his time trying to change things he had no control over while his real life disappeared before he had a chance to really experience it. She had been held down for half her life and he unwittingly took away the last vestige of true freedom she had.

He hadn't meant to.

He had said once that he wished he could get that first year he had known her back, how differently he would have done things, and he honestly would have. He would have let her go from the get go had he known then what he knew now, he loved her that much.

So when Alec had come to him telling him that Max had up and left he had been so confused. It hadn't made sense to him that she could just leave the people she cared so much for. That was one of her weaknesses, giving up everything for the one's she loved. Zack had called it a sentimental lie, a weakness that would get her killed, but Max called it the reason for living. Logan had thought Alec had become one of those weaknesses until said weakness had come breezing into his apartment unannounced that day proclaiming that Max had gone for good… It hadn't been hard for Logan to put the pieces of the puzzles together.

Max had lied to him. The worst part was though, he had believed it. Whenever he thought about how easy it was for him to believe it, it made him feel slightly queasy. Max and Alec made a good pair even with all the fighting and bitching which is why it wasn't hard for him to let her go in the first place.

Well, she was definitely gone now. And after everything that had happened, maybe it was for the best.

The soft beep of his computer knocked him out of his silent reverie. He sighed and looked over at the screen, a new email message popping up on his screen. Putting his glasses on he leaned over to get a better look and as he read it his eyes narrowed before a frown marred his face. It was from an unrecognised person but as he delved further he discovered it had been sent by a former Manticore doctor he had tried to get in contact with months before as a lead to a possible cure for the virus. But when he hadn't heard anything back, he figured the doctor had either been killed off by White and his cronies or had simply disappeared like most of the Manticore employees had. Once he had finished reading it he found that he had to read it once more to make sure what he was seeing was real… and apparently it was. The doc was willing and able to cure the virus. For a fee, of course.

And it didn't even matter anymore.

He felt like laughing and punching something all at once. His life was one big joke. After all the time and energy and money he had put into his search when he was fuelled by hope and determination and love, not until after the very reason for his desire had gone as swiftly as the wind, had he received anything as substantial as this... even though it would apparently cost him a small fortune.

And it didn't even fucking matter.

Laughing bitterly, he moved the cursor to the delete icon but as he willed himself to press down he found himself frozen on the spot. Thoughts warred with each other in his head as he sat absolutely still, intensely staring at the screen as though it would give him the answers he was searching for. _What if she was in trouble one day and sought his help? What if they by utter coincidence bumped into each other someday, somewhere?_

But one thought held dominance over all the rest.

_What if she came back?_

After considerable deliberation, he gave one final sigh as he made his choice. Clicking his mouse decidedly, he closed his eyes and prayed that he had made the right choice.


End file.
